This week has seen a furore on a man’s right to say “I’m not ready” and a woman’s right not to believe it. Or at least to question if he means he’s not ready at all, or just not ready for me.
Yesterday, Sam met with a return volley of a rant including the following excerpt:
“What we DON’T bloody well understand is why after giving us that “speech” from page 49 of the playas handbook (I KNOW this book exists) do you move on to the next and… voila! Suddenly you are now ready to settle down.” – HLBB
Here’s a new perspective: how do you think the next girl feels?
What makes a guy suddenly ready to settle down and commit? Are any of us so self-assured we KNOW it must just be us; that we are the lucky one who can finally entice his interest? Really?
Not so many years ago, I was happily enjoying some truly online dating with a man rebounding higher than the empire state building. He had split from his long term girlfriend (eight years to be quantified) because he wasn’t ready to marry. They had dogs, a house and built a truly hideous co-dependency.
I entered the picture some six months after she had walked out. I wasn’t the first girl he bedded since, nor was I the only one at the time for the first couple of months. However, then it all got a bit odd. Perhaps I shouldn’t have let him stay over so often, maybe we should have toned down the sexscapades, but suddenly the man was planning our future together.
Not just what role play was coming on Friday night, but family get-togethers; and truly strangely wedding bells.
So here was a pickle. He was ready enough to commit to the last one, enough to create domestic bliss, but his aisle avoidance was legendary. Then suddenly, I was the marrying kind?!?! Dear readers, I assure you there is very little about me (beyond my aura of awesome) that smells like roses and a new surname. So I don’t think it was about me. It was about him, something in him was now ready. I think it was a desire for children – he equated marriage with babies, and until he felt ready to breed he wasn’t ready to propose. Flick the biological switch and suddenly it’s bended knee and elopements.
I said no. I wasn’t ready. (and I meant it)
I also suggested that we break up for a year and then if it really was something in us that was “meant to be” – we’d know for sure.
He wasn’t best pleased with the plan. I think this was more of an “I’m ready now” – and in the intervening year, he moved in with another girl, got engaged and was expecting his first child.
Ok, it’s not the most flattering of stories for a male psyche – but it does support the point. There is a lot in the timing, and it doesn’t have to be specific to you that he’s ready or not.
Until you find that relationship rhythm when you are both ready together, make love, not war. Or rather make nasty, online dating rather than some sappy pointless screw with too much eye contact.